Lisa says, “I don’t think they would last until we go back to Germany.”Raphael says, “She’s right! This candy would be melted and eaten by the time it reaches Homer and Marge. Besides, we got them a bunch of souvenirs. And anyway, this was the best birthday I ever had!”Bart, who is already eating one of his chocolate bars, muffles, “I kinda agree with Raphael.”Maggie says, “Candy!” Lisa says, “Bart, give Maggie a bite of your chocolate bar. I’m not opening my Kisses™ till we go to the movies in Cleveland.” Bart reluctantly gives Maggie a bite of his chocolate bar. The next day, the Simpsons go to Hershey railroad depot to get on the train to Cleveland, OH. When they arrive in Cleveland, the Simpsons take a taxi to their hotel, which is actually a motel on the outskirts of Cleveland. As the taxi approaches the motel, Lisa asks, “Ew! We’re staying here!”The Simpsons then get out of the taxi in the parking lot and unload their luggage out of the trunk. Raphael says, “This place looks pretty shady.”Bart says eagerly, “It looks pretty cool! I’m gonna drink some bootlegged beer!”Grampa says, “Hey, the good thing is that it’s cheap after spending all that money in Hershey Park!”When the Simpsons enter the lobby, the clerk at the front desk says, “Hello! Welcome to the Shady Inn Motel, where wanted bootleggers and felons on the lam can hide out from the police! Are you folks outlaws or wanted bootleggers?”Raphael says, “See! I knew there was something sleazy about this place! It’s a motel for wanted bootleggers, outlaws, and James Cagney-type characters!”Bart says, “We’re outlaws on the run from the law, sir. We kidnapped the Governor of Ohio!”Lisa slaps her hand across her f
ace and shouts, “We did not kidnap the Governor of Ohio!”Bart says, “She’s right; we didn’t kidnap the Governor of Ohio! In fact, we kidnapped the Governor of Indiana!”Lisa shouts, “We didn’t do that either!”Bart says, “Don’t listen to her! She’s a prostitute.”The clerk says, “Really? We don’t get a lot of prostitutes around these parts. They usually hang around the city.”Raphael says, “She’s not a prostitute! We’re not outlaws! (Points at Bart) He is lying to you! We’re just honest, decent, and law-abiding out-of-towners!”Grampa says, “I once had an affair with a prostitute during a visit to St. Louis.”The clerk ignores him and says, “Oh well, that’s too bad. Then I guarantee you ain’t gonna have a good visit here. Regular folks stay away from here ‘cause they know how sleazy it is. I’ll get the bellboy to take your bags up to your room.”Lisa says, “We’d like two rooms, please.”The clerk says, “Fine. Two rooms it is.”He gives the Simpsons two room keys and whistles for the bellboy. When the bellboy comes down and grabs the Simpsons’ luggage, Bart asks, “Wow! Is that James Cagney?”The clerk says, “No. I don’t know who that is. This is Opie, our bellboy. He used to be a prison snitch.”The bellboy grabs the Simpsons’ luggage and takes it to their rooms; the Simpsons follow him to their rooms. Grampa says, “All right, kids! Raphael will be sharin’ a room with me; Bart, Maggie, and Lisa will be sharin’ a room together.”After unpacking and getting settled in, the Simpsons take a bus to the movie theater in downtown Clevel
and to see The Cocoanuts for the second time. Grampa says to the vendor at the box office, “Five tickets for one adult, three children, and one infant, please, ma’am.”The vendor says, “The baby is free.”Grampa pays for the tickets without paying for Maggie and approaches his grandchildren. He says, “Here are the tickets, kids. You don’t need to get any candy ‘cause you already got candy from Hershey Park. ‘Member to share with each other.”The Simpsons then go to the theater, give the ushers their tickets, and sit in the first row. During the newsreels, film shorts, cartoon shorts, trailers for upcoming films, and other previews……Bart reluctantly shares his Hershey’s® candy bars with Raphael and Lisa, who, on the other hand, willingly and generously share their Reese’s® Peanut Butter Cups™ and Hershey’s® Kisses™ with him and each other. At last, the feature film begins; the older Simpson children give the rest of their candy to Maggie when they see a man walking up and down the aisles, selling refreshments. They quickly get up from their seats without notifying Grampa and follow the refreshment man up and down the aisles with bundles of coins in their hot, little hands. Bart tugs the refreshment vendor’s sleeves, taps him on the shoulder and does everything else to get the man’s attention. Finaly, the seller turns around and asks the children, “Why hello there, kiddies! May I refresh you with some snacks?”Bart says, “Yes, you may. I would like some blue cotton candy.”The vendor takes out a big bag of fluffy, blue cotton candy and gives it to Bart, who pays for it. Lisa says, “I’ll have some Cracker Jacks™, please.”The vendor takes out a box of Cracker Jacks™ and gives it to Lisa, who then pays for it. Raphael says, “I’ll have some popcorn, please.”The vendor takes out a bag of popcorn and gives it to Raphael, who subsequently pays for it. Afterwards, the kids go back to their seats just in time for the entrance of Harpo and Chico. Concurrently, Maggie finishes eating her siblings’ candy; she lays back, sighs, and her big belly pops out. The Simpsons review the movie more thoroughly than they did before: The Marx Brothers seem ill at ease being on the big screen for the first time. Raphael says during the movie, “I heard the Marx Bros. were filming this movie at the same time as they were starring in Animal Crackers on Broadway.”The other Simpsons ooh in interest. Bart says, “I bet they were pretty busy.”Lisa says, “I bet they were. I heard they filmed The Cocoanuts in the morning and did Animal Crackers at night.”Once the movie ends, the Simpsons im
mediately exit the theater. Bart says, “It’s even crappier the second time!”Lisa says, “Where to next? We could go shopping since we’re on Euclid Avenue, which was one of Cleveland’s big retail locations during these days!”Grampa says, “Uh, let’s not. We should go to Rockefeller Park.”Lisa whines, “But I wanna go to the department store to learn more about what 1920s clothing was like!”Raphael says to her, “Lisa, you and I should go shopping while the others go to Rockefeller Park.”Grampa says, “That sounds fair. Where should we meet?”Raphael says, “We should meet near the Civil War statue. That’s at the Public Square in the center of downtown Cleveland.”Lisa and Raphael go into Sears Roebuck while Grampa and Bart get a map of Cleveland to find Rockefeller Park. They immediately find out that Rockefeller Park is near the park Raphael was talking about. Once they arrive at Rockefeller Park, Bart shouts, “Whoo-hoo! Thank God I brought my skateboard!”He takes his skateboard out of his backpack, takes M
aggie out of her stroller and puts her on the front of the skateboard. The neo-Nazi boy then pushes Maggie on the skateboard and quickly gets on the back, behind the toddler. Bart almost gives Maggie a heart attack when he does a sharp turn around the corner of a connecting path. Maggie fearfully grasps the skateboard nose when Bart does an Ollie over a bench. Soon, Bart gets distracted by a man whom he mistakes for James Cagney that he fails to notice a little rock impeding his path—and even when Maggie tugs him on one of his shorts legs to alert him of the impediment does he fail to notice it. He says, “Wow! Is that James Cagney[1]?!”Suddenly, his skateboard hits the little rock, causing Maggie to fly off the board and land in the grass. She approaches Bart angrily with her mouth full of grass, which she immediately spits out. At the same instant, the man whom Bart mistook for Jimmy Cagney turns around and unsurprisingly but to Bart’s chagrin, it is not James Cagney; however, the man bears a striking resemblance to the actor in facial features, height, and physique all together (almost to the point where he could have been Cagney’s stunt double). He says to Maggie, “Uh, Maggie, maybe you’d better sit with Grampa. You’re harboring my skateboard talent.”He brings Maggie, who now has grass stains all over her dress, over to the bench where Grampa is sitting. Then he jumps on his skateboard and does stunts that he couldn’t do when Maggie was on it. Later, Grampa, Bart, and Maggie meet the others in the Public Square in the center of Cleveland’s business district. Grampa asks, “How was your shopping experience?”Lisa says, “It was great! The clothes were cheaper than what we’re used to. I would pay $5.73 for a dress anytime! I could’ve bought out the whole store if I wanted to!”Raphael says, “Let’s go to the Terminal Tower now. During this time, it was the biggest tower building west of New York.”Bart says, “Eh, let’s not! Let’s go back to our crappy motel.”Lisa says, “We don’t have to go inside it. We can just stay outside and look at it.”Raphael says, “That sounds like a good idea. It’s getting dark anyway.”The Simpsons then visit the newly constructed Terminal Tower and look at the building up and down. Subsequently, they take a bus back to their motel. During the night, Lisa has trouble sleeping because of the loud gang of bootleggers staying in the room on th
e other side of her and Bart (the room one room over from Grampa and Raphael). One bootlegging gangster says, “We’s gonna get a whole pile of dough when we bring this booze to the boss tomorrow.”Another bootlegging hooligan says, “We’s gonna be rich!”A third bootlegging thug says, “You said it! We should shoot whoever hears this and tries to stop us!”Lisa shivers and puts her blanket over her mouth. She turns her head to check on Maggie, who is sleeping soundly. Next, Lisa turns her head to check on Bart, who isn’t in bed. She asks, “Where is Bart?”Suddenly, she hears Bart, who is in the bootleggers’ room, say, “Hey, fellas! Can I have some of that booze? (To one gangster) Wow! Are you James Cagney[2]?”One hoodlum asks him, “Promise you won’t squeal on us to the cops?”Bart says, “Yes. I ain’t a squealer.”Another goon tosses him a bottle of beer and says, “Here, kid. Have some booze.”Bart catches the bottle of beer and chugs it down. Concurrently, Lisa asks, “What is Bart doing in there?”In the room throughout the night, Bart drinks rum, gin, whiskey, bourbon, vodka, and brandy. Lisa hears the drunken Bart’s slurred speech and then hears him stumble around in the hallway. Next, Bart drunkenly opens the door to his hotel room and stumbles to the bed while laughing uncontrollably. He gets into bed with Lisa at the same time as waking her up since he is laughing so loudly and suddenly says, “Oh my God! I feel sick!”He gets out of bed, goes over to the trash can and throws up. After throwing up, Bart goes back to bed. The next morning, Bart is hung over when Lisa wakes him up. Bart holds his head and moans, “My head…I have a big headache!”Lisa says, “Bart, you look horrible! What did you do last night?”Bart says groggily, “I dunno. I don’t ‘member anything from last night.”Lisa says, “We have to get ready to go to the train station right now. Raphael will give you Tylenol™ for your headache.”A little while later, at the railroad station, Raphael gives some Tylenol™ pills to Bart for his headache while waiting for the train to Lexington, KY. Bart takes the Tylenol™ pills with a bottle of mineral water that Lisa got from a nearby snack stand. After Bart downs the tablets with mineral water, Raphael says, “You should rest for a while in order for the drugs to take effect. We’ll get a particular spot on the train for you to rest.”Once the Simpsons get on the train when it arrives, they give Bart a whole seat to himself so he can sleep. Thus, Maggie gets to sit in her own seat instead of sitting in her grandfather’s and one of her siblings’ laps; she sits next to Grampa in the seat behind Bart while Raphael and Lisa sit in the seat across the toddler and old man. The train gets crowded after the stop at Cincinnati, yet Bart still isn’t awake. People try to move his feet or complain to the conductor about the boy hogging the seat, despite the fact that Bart’s family tell them
that he is sleeping. Bart remains asleep during the rest of the train ride, even as the train arrives in Lexington. He doesn’t budge when Lisa tries to shake him awake. Following many unsuccessful attempts to wake up Bart, the Simpsons decide to give up and put him in Maggie’s stroller. Next, they gather their entire luggage and put it on the luggage cart. Grampa puts Maggie atop the luggage since he has to hold Bart’s backpack. Raphael pushes the luggage cart while Lisa pushes a sleeping Bart in Maggie’s stroller. Raphael says, “Instead of taking a taxi or a streetcar, we should walk to our hotel.”Lisa asks, “Walk to our hotel? You mean, walk down our streets in front of the snooping public?”Grampa asks, “Yes. What’s wrong with that?”
Raphael says, “She’s afraid that people will stare at us curiously because of Bart.”Lisa asks, “What are we gonna do with Maggie?”Raphael says, “I always knew things like this would happen so I brought Maggie’s backpack carrier.”He takes out Maggie’s backpack carrier, puts Maggie in it, buckles her in and puts the carrier on his back. He grabs his suitcase and Lisa’s suitcase while Grampa grabs Bart’s suitcase and his own suitcase (Maggie’s diaper bag is in the stroller basket). As the Simpsons walk down the streets, the Lexington citizens stare at the sleeping Bart in the stroller, embarrassing the Simpsons. Grampa mutters, “This is so humiliating.”Since Bart’s weight makes the stroller too heavy for her to push, Lisa pants, stops for a moment and groans, “C’mon, Bart! Wake up!”She takes out the bottle of mineral water and splashes the remaining mineral water onto Bart’s eyes. After a couple of splashes, Bart eventually opens his eyes but he isn’t fully alert. Lisa shouts joyfully, “He’s alive! Grampa and Raphael, he’s alive!”Grampa says with relief, “Finally!”Bart asks with confusion, “What’s happening? Where am I? Who’s yelling at me?”Raphael says, “He’s not awake enough to walk. We’ll keep him in the stroller.”Maggie says, “Put a blankie on him.”Raphael says, “I would, Maggie, except it’s almost 90 degrees outside. It’s too hot for a blanket.”The Simpsons continue pushing Bart in the stroller, despite the curious eyes of the Lexington citizens. When the Simpsons get to their hotel, which is average but luxurious compared to their motel near Cleveland, the cler
k looks at Bart and asks, “Why is that boy in a stroller? He is definitely too old to be a baby.” Lisa says, “That’s true. He’s too weak to walk since he just woke from a long nap on the train.” The clerk says in reference to Maggie, “Oh, I see! And you seem to have a baby with you right now. (To Maggie) Hi, precious!” Maggie says, “I want Harpo.”The clerk frowns and then asks the family, “Do you just want one room or do you want two separate rooms?” Raphael says, “We’ll take two separate rooms.” As soon as they get up to their rooms on the fourth floor, Grampa says, “You kids get a room to yourselves while Maggie and I are sharin’ a room. We like to take naps, Maggie an
d I, and you kids are too loud. You won’t let us have naps when we stay with you guys.” In a little while, before going to the movies, the Simpson kids have an enjoyable time jumping on the bed (no shoes on though) while having a pillow fight and listening to upbeat jazz music on the radio. They then raid the mini-bar, taking all the snacks, candy, and soda they can get. Meanwhile, in the next room, Grampa and Maggie take a nice, quiet nap, despite the noise going on next door. Concurrently, the Simpson kids get high off the sugar from the candy and soda they eat and drink. Bart takes of all his clothes, except his underwear, and jumps crazily on the bed with his shorts on his head. He then goes up to the radio and says, “It’s my turn to pick a station!” Lisa yells at him at the top of her lungs, “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT RADIO!” Bart ignores her and changes the station to a variety show station. Lisa pushes him away and changes the station back to the jazz station. The two blood siblings then squabble over the radio, switching it back and forth between stations. Just then, Raphael steps into the quarrel and shouts, “Stop! You're going to break the radio, and then we're going to have to get charged for it! Besides, it's almost time to go to the movies, so we should get ready! (To Bart) Bart, put your clothes on!” After Bart puts his clothes back on, the Simpson children leave their room and knock on the door of the neighboring room. Once he hears the knock on his door, Grampa stirs and answers the door. He asks his grandchildren at the door, “Yes, kids?” Bart says, “Grampa, we gotta go to the movies now!” Grampa says, “Okay. I'm coming.” He then grabs Maggie, who immediately wakes up, and puts her in her stroller. The Simpsons then leave the hotel and walk down the street to the Paramount movie house to see the Marx Brothers movie The Cocoanuts for the third time. At the movie house, Lisa says to the ticket vendor in the box office, “Five tickets for the The Cocoanuts please, sir.” The vendor points at Maggie and says, “The baby is free.” Lisa pays for the tickets and brings back to her family. When the Simpsons enter the movie theater and sit down, the kids spot a man selling candy, Cracker Jacks, pretzels, etc, and run to him. Bart gets candy and a pretzel; Lisa gets candy and popcorn; and Raphael gets candy and Cracker Jacks. Grampa asks the children after they sit back down, “What am I gonna do with you kids after you eat all that junk?” Bart says, “Don't worry; we got something for Maggie too.”He gives Maggie a big lollipop. This time, the Simpsons don't pay attention to the movie; instead they pay attention to the newsreels, film shorts, cartoon shorts, and the other previews preceding the feature film more they ever did before. After the movie, Grampa asks, “What should we do now?” Lisa says insistently, “I say we go to the Keeneland Race Track and then go visit the famous horse farms around Lexington!” Bart say, “Uh, let's not.'Stead let's go back to our hotel to continue our wild party!” Raphael says, “No, Bart. I think we should do what Lisa wants to do as a family. Even though it's my birthday, I'm letting Lisa choose the activities.” He smiles at Lisa, who says gratefully, “Thanks, Raphael. That's very kind and thoughtful of you.” Bart says, “But we already did what Lisa wanted to do in Cleveland!” Raphael says, “We didn't do it together as a family; we wer
e separated.” Bart asks, “Why can't we do what I wanna do?” Lisa says, “We'll do whatever you want next year in whatever cities we're visiting to see the Marx Brothers' second movie Animal Crackers!” Grampa asks Bart, “Why can't you stop being so selfish, boy? The world doesn't revolve around you! Show a little unselfishness and consideration for others!” Raphael says, “I agree with Abe. When we go to Atlanta, we're going to do whatever I want to do, which means seeing historic and cultural sites. (To Bart) You have to participate, Bart, no matter how much you protest, groan, whine, bitch, grumble or moan! You're going to participate whether you like it or not!” During the rest of the day, the Simpsons visit the Keeneland Race Track and the famous horse farms around Lexington. Back at the hotel, the Simpson kids continue their wild party at the same time as Grampa and Maggie go to bed early. The next morning, the Simpsons take a cab to the Lexington airfield to catch their flight to Atlanta, GA. While waiting to board the airplane to Atlanta, Grampa looks around the airfield at the other airplanes departing for different cities and says, “Wow! Look at the cities these other planes are flying to: Newark, NJ; Stamford, CT; Jacksonville, FL; Portland, OR; Sacramento, CA; San Diego, CA; Seattle, WA; and New York City.” Ultimately, the Simpsons get aboard the aircraft. The airplane faces into the wind and takes off. En route for Atlanta, the airplane stops over in Chattanooga, TN. During their stay in Atlanta for a day, the Simpsons go to the Paramount movie house to see The Cocoanuts for the fourth time plus do Raphael’s choice of activities (regarding hotel room arrangements, Bart is sharing a room with Raphael and Maggie while Lisa is sharing a room with Grampa). The next day, the Simpsons go to the Atlanta airfield to catch their flight back to New York City. As she waits with her family to board the airplane to New York City, Lisa looks around the airfield at the other planes departing for other cities. Before she can even call out the cities, Bart puts his hand on her mouth and says, “Please, Lis! That shit annoys me!” Eventually, the Simpsons get on board the aircraft. The plane faces into the wind and takes off. Nine hours later, the airplane arrives in New York City at the city’s airfield in Brooklyn. The Simpsons take a bus to the seaport in Manhattan to catch their cruise back to Hamburg, Germany. At the seaport, the family thanks the bus driver and get on the ship harboring in the docks. As soon as the Simpsons and other passengers are aboard the ocean liner, the captain shouts, “All aboard?! (To the engineer) All right! Sail away!” The ship then departs from the port while making a loud noise and puffing out smoke from its smokestack. The cruise lasts for five days; on the fifth and final day of the voyage, the cruiser arrives in Hamburg, Germany. After disembarking from the ship, Bart goes to the nearest phone booth to call Hitler. He says on the phone, “Operator, get me Adolf Hitler in Berchtesgaden, Bavaria.” The operator puts Bart through to Hitler’s mountain home, Haus Wachenfeld. Hitler answers the phone on the other line and asks, “A collect call from Hamburg? All right, I’ll accept. (To his caller) Hello?” Bart says, “Hello, Adolf. This is Bart. Hey, I got a question: Can you pick us up from the Hamburg Harbor? (Holds the phone away as Hitler yells on the other end) Okay, so we should take a train to Munich and you’re gonna pick us up from there...All right, see you at 22:00.” After hanging up the phone, Bart approaches his family and says, “Hitler said we should take a train to Munich and he’s gonna pick us up from there.” Lisa says, “Bart, that train ride is gonna take us almost all day.” Raphael says, “It’s 11:00am now and the train ride from Hamburg to Munich takes 12 hours. So, by the time we get to Munich, it’ll be 23:00, which is 11:00pm.” Bart says, “Wouldja stop using military time?! I said 22:00 when I was on the phone with Hitler and I have no idea what it means!” Lisa asks, “If you said it, then how couldja have not known what it means?” Bart says, “I heard Hitler say it when I was on the phone with him.” Raphael says, “Bart, 22:00 means 10:00pm. Since you heard Hitler say that, it means he miscalculated…” Raphael continues, “…Plus since Hitler is at his villa Haus Wachenfeld in Berchtesgaden and it takes three to four hours to drive from Munich to Berchtesgaden, we won’t be at Haus Wachenfeld until 2:00am to 3:00am.” The Simpsons then get on a tram, which takes them to the Hamburg Hauptbahnhof. At the Hauptbahnhof, the Simpson family buys tickets for the train to Munich. The train to Munich is already waiting for them when they get the tickets. So the Simpsons, except for Bart, get on the train, which is an Orient Express train, and sit in the coach car. Bart, on the other hand, sits in the first-class car, which is two cars down from his family.More coming soon...
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